The Style Invitational Week 993 Epic rap battles
By Pat Myers, Thursday, October 18, 2:20 PM
Albert Einstein: “I’m a giant whose
shoulders you’d have stood on, if you could stand.
I’ll give you a brief history of pain
with the back of my hand.”
. . . vs. Stephen Hawking:
“And while it’s true that my work is based on you,
I’m a supercomputer — you’re like a
Ti-82.”
— from EpicRapBattlesOfHistory.com
Visit the hilarious,
immensely popular Web site Epic Rap Battles of History and you’ll see
trash-talkin’ Frank Sinatra vs. Freddie Mercury! Dr. Seuss vs. Shakespeare!
Gandalf vs. Dumbledore! Abe Lincoln vs. Chuck Norris! In this brainchild of
L.A. improv artists Nice Peter and Lloyd Alquist, the dozens of videos are even
funnier than the rap lyrics they contain. But we tend to be Word People over
here in Loserland — not to mention that the newsprint Invite doesn’t come with
audio, except when you smack it on your leg — and so our version needs to shine
on the verses alone. This week: Write a short “rap battle” between any two
characters, real or fictional, as in the example above, which quotes two
couplets from a 21/ 2-minute video. By short, we mean one or two rhyming
couplets per character — so four to eight lines total. As for what counts as
rhyme, the Empress might be a wee bit more lenient than usual, but don’t go
“rhyming,” say, “stakes” and “blades,” as does one of the Epics. You say you
want to make your own video? Sure! Put it on YouTube or another accessible site
and send us a link. This contest was suggested by Mike Gips, who heard about
Epic Rap Battles from Matt Monitto.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives the edifying volume “Now Wash Your Hands: More Than You Ever
Wanted to Know About the Life and Times of the Toilet.” Dumped on us by
Longtime Loser Phil Frankenfeld.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a
smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
Oct. 29; results published Nov. 18 (online Nov. 15). No more than 25 entries
per entrant per week. Include “Week 993” in your e-mail subject line or it
might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by
Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is
by Edward Gordon. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook
at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 989, in which we asked you to think of two jobs that one
person could hold, and explain why:
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
If a politician also worked
as a firefighter, he’d be able to hose down his own pants. (Jeff Hazle,
Woodbridge, Va.)
2. Winner of the
possible-to-arrange-tastefully Porkin’ Pigs coin banks: A used-car salesman
could moonlight as a body waxer: He’s skilled at the arts of laying it on
thick, and ripping off. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)
3. The telemarketer who
became an NFL replacement referee is now unemployed because everyone, and I
mean everyone, hated his calls. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
4. A hotel maid by day and a
waitress by night who also babysits on weekends also became a banking industry
lobbyist — she got tired of being just a moocher. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Help wanting: honorable mentions
A psychiatrist would be a
good airport security agent: He’s skilled in finding out what makes you tick.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
A fortuneteller could take a
second job as a hit man: Both deal with what’s in the offing. (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village, Md.)
American voters could all be
poultry farmers — they’re both getting ready to dispatch turkeys next month.
(Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
A Redskins quarterback would
make a good wino: Both get blitzed all the time. (David Garratt)
A reform candidate could
moonlight as a restroom attendant, and continue to work for change. (And he
could probably use the money.) (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
A urologic surgeon has the
makings of a presidential candidate: We’re really happier with both if they’re
not too specific about what they plan to cut. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
A day care center worker has
a night shift as a casino cashier: She already knows how to change hundreds.
(David Genser)
A spelunker could be a
successful politician: The first is interested in special caves and the second
caves to special interests. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)
A mime could supplement his
income by being a mob enforcer: In both jobs, you get to be silent but deadly.
(Russell and Adam Beland, Fairfax, Va.)
A mohel can moonlight as a
waitress at a greasy spoon — she’s used to making a living on tiny tips.
(Clifford Fishman, Rockville, Md.)
A North Korean chef could
also work as a pet hypnotist — both are proud of curing cats. (Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)
A Metro driver can moonlight
at a brothel: For the day job her slogan is “We open doors”; for the night job
it’s “We open drawers.” (Chuck Smith)
A drag queen could have a day
job as an executioner: In both jobs you pull switches to dramatic effect. (Tom
Witte)
New York baseball
coach/midwife: In both professions, one good Yank and you could be seeing the
next Babe. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
A philosophy professor might
try also being a barber, since he’s used to spending his entire career over
people’s heads. (Beverley Sharp)
A Virginia public school
teacher should play for the Chicago Cubs: For both, their constant mantra is
“SOL.” (Amanda Yanovitch)
A personal trainer could
moonlight as an undertaker: She’s used to working with people who are out of
breath. (Beverley Sharp)
I hear that a real estate
agent is riding out the housing slump as a human cannonball: It’s still all
about location, location, location. (David Genser)
A lawyer/prostitute: Get
people off for money. Repeat. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Tiger Woods’s caddy should
also be his sex addiction counselor: Then maybe he can finally get Tiger to
control his putts. (David Genser)
Next week: Indecent Relations, or Sibling Ribaldry